It's a little personal and not a walk to the park with rainbows and butterflies, I'm posting this because I believe there are a lot of out there who is or perhaps was in this situation, if you still are, know that you're not alone and that you are never alone.
Are you afraid of death?
"No" she answers without hesitancy.
May be overdosing on sleeping pills then since it seems painless and then you get to sleep forever.
It's bound to happen anyway, you stopped eating for more than a day and I think you're determine to continue.
9 word pops to her mind then "Because no one love her enough to care anyway". She stifles a laugh thinking how fitting it would be as a 9 word tragic story.
How did it even lead to this? She thought she has got rid of her demon, plunge it to death the last time it came near. I guess you can never kill the voice in your head.
It's stupid if you think about it, she just fought with her parents and it's not even the dishes-breaking, screaming-fest you have in mind, it was early in the morning, her sister has decided to take a trip to god-knows-where yet again and she was asked to cover her work, an issue that has been brought up countless times. But she said no this time, it was selfish she knew, but no, not anymore. No because her sister took leave for her holiday, why does she need to cover for her. No because business and personal should not mix, just cause she's the daughter why does she has to go work at the office every time they're short-handed. No because it doesn't make sense, what if she's working, can she still help out? No. For years she had let this go on, no not anymore.
She won, if you consider it winning, her mum sighed and said that she didn't want to quarrel early in the morning and if she is so unwilling she wouldn't want her near the office. Bad vibes and all... So yes, she won the match but lost the battle.
Running upstairs she felt guilt but justified with the unjustness of this all, the more she thought about it the worse she felt so she ended up crying and then falling asleep shortly after that. When she woke up hungry, she tiptoed downstairs to see the bowl of noodles she scooped out before all that has happened was still on the table, quietly she ate them not knowing it was the last meal she would have until the next 35 hours.
And so the torture began...
Her unemployment, not that anyone is pushing her to find a job but herself. Her staying at home and having her parents coming home shaking her head in disappointment when they found out she didn't fold the laundry or left some of the dishes in the sink, dishes that she has all intention to do, in her own time; house chores, something that she still have years to learn and master. The unresolved issue with a friend, she didn't think she would care this much, surprising herself that she did. A death of a close relative, feeling for years that this relative was the reason why she wanted to leave home, but her death made her realise that this is not true, something she should go and apologise for.
Useless. Helpless. Incapabilities. Failure. Words that leaves a bitter taste on her tongue starts to surface. For days it's just been an internal battle, she against her thoughts. Her thoughts of never being good enough and never amounting to much. Sleep. Cry. Read. Repeat. She has always lose her appetite when she's stressed out or sad anyway. She internally thank god for having some drowsy-flu medications so that sleep can claim her easy. And passing of hours with reading to escape her reality. It doesn't help that the weather match her current emotional state, dark gloomy skies with rain that seemed like it'll never stop.
One day turn to two,she thought she would be alright the next day. How wrong she has been, and the assault continues.
It was right when they say the time don't stop for anybody.
And then suddenly an image pop in her mind, buttery toast with peanut butter, apple and condensed milk. Going downstairs and opening her fridge for the 20th time she saw a green apple. May be it's a sign. Putting the image in her head on a plate she steeled her resolve. Even if no one cares, she would care for herself, she will live for herself and she is determine to succeed for herself. And may be one day, the voice in her head will get to her tho heaven forbids but at least today will not be that day.
With that she took the first bite of food she had since 35 hours and 21 minutes.