I know it's been 3 days since I last updated, and it's not because I fell off the bandwagon. I promise this is not an excuse but I kinda found something that I want to do, and have been doing that. And OMG how time flies, I barely have enough time to use in a day.
Keeping it under wraps first and once there's some progress I'll be sure to let you guys know.
That aside, today's topic is very constant in my life, and I feel it from time to time without realising that it could be a repetitive pattern and today I want to use my blog, to hopefully be able to think it through and break the pattern.
I was feeling this way about a group of friends, how I feel left out when I'm with them and then I wanted to tell Sean about it so I started with, "Hey, you know the feeling of being left out" and immediately his response was "yea, i think you told me before, your childhood right". And I was caught by surprise because no this particular case was not of my childhood but something that happened to me recently. And because of his comments I psychoanalysed my whole life which brought me to realise that this event is not singular and well, patterns will repeat until something or some thoughts figured out.
So my feeling of left out stemmed from something very trivial. Basically a couple of friends and I, we have a group chat and I start noticing that my replies are not being responded as much as the others and they could just go on and on as if whether I responded or not didn't matter. So a few times I did not or I just mention I'll be on a call (because coincidentally I had calls the few times the chat starts picking up) but instead of getting responses or any response, the chat between the others just continued as if I said nothing at all.
And that was when the feeling of being left out starts sinking it, but it's so trivial right? Like, who cares. But I feel what I felt and no feeling should be dismissed so being a bit confused if I'm a little sensitive or overreacting I did the first thing every millennial does when stuck with a problem. Google.
So I googled,"feeling left out am I thinking too much?"
I got a bunch response, from how to overcome and why do we feel such ways. But the one post that really stood out is because they highlighted the question How can you be less reliant on others for your happiness? Am I reliant without realising it?
So I went in deeper, and which linked me to emotional independence. I thought I stopped looking for approval and attention years ago, but this really hits a chord. May be I improved, but life is a work in progress and may be there are some loose ends?
"If you grew up with parents who were divorced or separated, it may explain why you feel unstable and insecure in many aspects of your life.
Your past friendships and relationships may also shed some light on your current behavior."
Ahh, there you have it, childhood traumas, the unconscious things that builds up 90% of you. I grew up with very busy working parents. So growing up, I was that annoying talkative kid that wouldn't shut up, because if you are lonely you find someone to play with and talk to right? Fortunately I moved past that phase, of course with some experiences that I would not like to repeat. But I guess there's always remainders of who you were. Figuring this out was liberating though. Highly probable that my friends did it intentional and I was butt hurt over it due to past experiences and childhood traumas.
So what's next? May be after this MCO and we do have a physical gathering I'll bring this up and let them know about the whole ordeal but it really depends on my mood. But one thing's for sure, emotional independence, that's definitely something I'm going to look into.
Well, thanks blog for helping me figure this out. I mean, this has been bothering me for days.
And to those that have been through similar situation (feeling left out), I hope the above links helps. May be journal it out, talk to a friend and you're not alone, a lot of people go through this. Don't be disheartened by humanity, but work towards progress. May be it's you (because let's face it we all have our own shit), may be it's them but the first step is to get clarity then deal with it maturely.